Skinwalkers

During Skinwalkers, I imagined myself in space, on the Satellite of Love. Had I been sent to this theater by mad scientist Dr. Clayton Forrester and his sidekick Dr. Laurence Erhardt from the Gizmonic Institute? Was I being forced to watch this bad movie, sitting alongside Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo, Gypsy, and of course Joel Hodgson? In my daydream, I made fun of this terrible, terrible movie out loud, and the audience echoed deafening laughter. Sadly this was only a dream, as I didn’t want to disturb other moviegoers from enjoying their experience, regardless of how unlike I find it to be that anyone could enjoy Skinwalkers. Every once in a while, a movie hits theaters that’s perfectly suited for Mystery Science Theater 3000. The only way to enjoy the experience is by mocking the film and all involved. If you’re going to see it, see it in the afternoon when the theater is dead. Take a few friends, robots or otherwise, and make wiseacre comments amongst yourselves until this achingly long bad movie ends.

The story begins by relating an age-old war between two bands of werewolf-like creatures: one group wants to be werewolves, the other does not. Described by an old Indigenous legend, the story goes that on a red full moon, a boy of 13 will develop the ability to heal those suffering the curse of lycanthropy. Enter Rachel (Rhona Mitra), the clueless mother of Tim (Matthew Knight), whose thirteenth birthday is coming up. Her husband mysteriously died in what’s often referred to as an “attack”, though it’s never explained beyond that. Her brother-in-law, Jonas (Elias Koteas), and a modest group of outcasts have lived in a small town for the duration of Tim’s life, never allowed to leave and bound by their werewolf code. And yet, when Rachel is told her son will become a werewolf soon, like the rest of them, she’s baffled. Didn’t she question why she was never allowed to leave? Didn’t she ask why everyone’s restrained by leather straps at night when there’s a full moon?

Meanwhile, the enemy gang of evil werewolves enjoys bloodthirsty killing. They plan to destroy Tim before the red moon rises. Made up of biker dudes and one woman, scantily clad and armed to the teeth, these would-be badasses are just plain silly. Covered in tattoos and garbed in leather, they ride motorcycles and all have serious expressions. They take themselves so seriously that there’s no other choice but to laugh.

When the bad werewolves discover where the good werewolves are hiding out, watch out. Director James Isaac wishes he was directing Underworld, another movie where rival monster gangs find their entire existence hinges on one person. Isaac even makes his werewolf gangs engage in not-so-elaborate gunfights, again comparable to scenes in Underworld, except with a much lower budget. The most laugh-inducing scene involves a gun-totting standoff between the evil werewolf leader Varek (Jason Behr) and an old lady named Nana. The old lady walks with Tim down the street of their abandoned town. Suddenly, she spots Varek. Nana tells Tim to run along, pulling a gigantic pistol from her purse. She and Varek throw down, and then an all-out werewolf bulletfest ensues.

When the werewolves eventually change into their animal form, they look like rejects from the Marlon Brando version of The Island of Dr. Moreau, or characters from Blockbuster’s endless supply of direct-to-video releases. The worst of it is, Skinwalkers doesn’t have a sense of humor or an inkling as to how dreadful its Grade-F production really is. It’s not even enjoyable as schlock, as it’s rated PG-13 and doesn’t have enough blood and guts to take our minds off the poor writing.

Why is it we can’t get a decent werewolf movie? Werewolves rarely get the character development divvied out to vampires; there’s rarely a tragic or sympathetic werewolf, as they’re savagery and animal-like appearance is so terribly inhuman. Making them fashion victims or bikers doesn’t help much either. Mike Nelson, the second host to man the bridge of MST3K, summed up Skinwalkers when referencing another bad horror movie. He said  and I’m paraphrasing here, “The director boldly mixes tedium with un-scariness.” How true. If only I could have announced that aloud during my screening.