"MST3K" Award winners

 

Below, the list of movies includes past winners of Deep Focus Review’s “Mystery Science Theater 3000” Award, an honor bestowed to titles too awful to deserve a Zero Star rating. When a movie is so laughably bad that no semblance of its intended entertainment value remains, it becomes eligible for this award.

Being a Minnesota native, I take great pride in our few entertainment resources. The greatest of them, however, will always be television’s Mystery Science Theater 3000, the program where a derelict human space jockey (Joel Hodgson, or in later episodes Mike Nelson) and wise-cracking robots poke fun at bad movies. Usually some forgotten sci-fi yarn or sticky horror gunk, their adventures involved enduring such sinfully bad treasures as Manos: The Hands of Fate and Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders. We see them in the front row of their theater via silhouette, watching both them and the movie, enjoying their witty comments as we might do in our own homes.

This award is not the equivalent to Zero Stars, however. A lack of stars indicates a movie impossible to enjoy on any level—even a lampooning one (for example, Southland Tales or Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween). What the “MST3K” Award suggests is that, with the winners posted below, you might find some foul-mouthed friends willing to attend an empty matinee screening or endure a DVD, and together ridicule with your own brand of mocking commentary. These movies deserve it...

PAST WINNERS

Alien vs. Predator (2004)
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"AVP was written and directed by Paul W.S. Anderson, the anti-genius behind Mortal Kombat and the Resident Evil franchise. His brand of big action and small story turns high box-office numbers, but also turns my stomach. Reliant on CGI-heavy effects and perfunctory slow motion action scenes, Anderson’s movies play out no differently than the games on which they’re based. His characters are as thin as tissue paper and his writing is filled with silly dialogue. I try not to judge a director’s potential, but he has yet to prove me wrong. Whenever his name is attached to a picture, I groan." (12/13/2007)

 

Day of the Dead (2008)
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"Credited as a remake of George A. Romero’s 1985 cult favorite of the same name, Day of the Dead bears no resemblance to its alleged source. Director Steve Miner and screenwriter Jeffrey Reddick depict their zombies as active as spider monkeys, clinging to walls and crawling on ceilings—a far cry from Romero’s allegorical zombie stagger. Attempting to reinvent the zombie subgenre the way recent success 28 Days Later did, their movie is utter trash, recommended viewing for laughably bad performances by a washed-up Mena Suvari (American Beauty) and D-grade special effects." (4/14/2008)

 

Doomsday (2008)
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"Doomsday zooms right passed revered idolatry and leads straight into downright thievery, as filmmaker Neil Marshall (writer-director of the cave-centered splatterfest The Descent) constructs what’s either a sloppy ode to John Carpenter, or a pathetic rip-off of several films from Carpenter’s filmography. And so, from the opening credits on, we’re bombarded with frustratingly blatant Carpenterisms, all of which are replicated with laughably bad cohesion." (03/17/2008)

 

Dragon Wars (D-War) (2007)
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"I’m not entirely sure what the redundant title Dragon Wars (D-War) means, or why it’s titled as such. I don’t even think the word “dragon” is said in the movie, despite the flying lizards. The massive snakes are appropriately called “serpents”. And, assuming the “D” in D-War is referring to dragon, I’m confused, since the primary threat to Sarah and Ethan throughout the picture is the serpent Buraki, who is not a dragon. What’s more, I’m unclear as to how many wars there are… The first part of the title suggests there are several, since Wars is pluralized. The parenthesized portion contrastingly suggests there is only one war, a “D-War” as it were. By the events depicted, I cannot say if there was one, many, or none." (9/14/2007)

 

Friday the 13th: The Complete Series Guide
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"We are introduced to the Crystal Lake mythology where a young boy, Jason Voorhees, was neglected by the camp’s 1958 counselors (those damned lazy sexaholics) and drowned while unattended. Jason’s mom, Pamela (Betsy Palmer), takes revenge on the counselors/dorks, including Kevin Bacon in one of his first movie roles. …Maybe Pamela should be asking herself why she wasn’t keeping an eye on Jason. Try taking a little responsibility for your lousy parenting, lady. Sheesh." (10/23/2007)

The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007)
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"Wes Craven, director of the original The Hills Have Eyes parts I and II, produced the 2006 remake and wrote and produced this sequel to that remake. Only, it’s not a remake of the original 1985 sequel where a group of bikers are chewed up by mountainous mutant men, this is an all new story surrounding a group of  anonymous American soldiers who get munched on by said freaks. So, you know, it’s totally different this time…" (7/18/2007)

 

 

House (2008)
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"Any decathlon or Olympic training regiment pales in comparison to the physical exhaustion of making it through House. Viewers that survive this picture will suddenly discover they have the bizarre ability to endure any form of torture. No manner of cutting, starvation, boiling, denailing, castration, Chinese water torture, stretching, sleep deprivation, tooth extraction, or tickle torture could break me now, because I’ve endured this movie. Testing the mind’s resilience against a plot that laughs in the face of structure, forever remaining crazily nonsensical, the film should be shown to CIA agents to assess their resolve. No doubt most subjects would self-terminate before it’s over." (11/07/2008)

 

 

I Know Who Killed Me (2007)
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"The story goes that high school girl Aubrey Fleming (Lohan), a talented piano player who just wants to be a writer, is the spoiled girl in a rich New Haven, Connecticut home (i.e. mansion). Her parents are non-existent until later on. When she’s kidnapped by a potential serial killer, the previous victim’s body is found with its right hand and right leg removed just below the knee, so her parents, now in the picture, are obviously concerned. Aubrey has a boyfriend she won’t sleep with, a hairless cat, a creepy gardener with a nipple tattoo, and a piano teacher who’s upset that Aubrey is quitting piano to focus on writing—all are suspects in her disappearance." (7/31/2007)

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale (2008)
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"Uwe Boll has made so many videogame-to-film adaptations, he puts Paul W.S. Anderson to shame. Boll specializes in nonsensical disasters like House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, and BloodRayne. In fact, though I’ve spurned Anderson’s brand of high-action and no-brains in the past, I’d happily take his Resident Evil over any Boll dreck without complaint. Any hammy direct-to-DVD slop on Blockbuster's sheves surpasses Boll’s curiously turgid work. I would do Ed Wood an injustice if I claimed the two were similar." (1/13/2008)

The Midnight Meat Train (2008)
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"Mr. Butcher’s nefarious mid-night murders are witnessed by struggling photographer Leon (Bradley Cooper), who heads into the subway system looking to capture “the real” city on camera for a snobby art dealer (Brooke Shields). Unfortunately for him, all he finds is shocker flick clichés and computer-generated blood. (Note: I stress “mid-night” versus “midnight” in the last sentence since the movie makes of point of telling us Mr. Butcher kills mostly around 2am. Why is the title The Midnight Meat Train? Probably because it sounds better than Just After Midnight Meat Train or Two-in-the-Morning Meat Train.)" (8/04/2008)

 

One Missed Call (2008)
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"Andrew Klavan wrote the script. You might remember his last work, entitled Don’t Say a Word, which was lampooned by the world for its annoying catchphrase “I’ll never te-ell…” Klavan and Valette somehow conned, if not brainwashed these actors into their roles. That’s the only explanation. Someone should make sure the cast is doing okay. Write a letter to their agent. Contact their shrink. I’m most worried about Ed Burns, who remains a talented writer-director (see The Brothers McMullen or She's the One); if he needs money to produce his own films, he can just ask, I’ll send a few bucks—there’s no need to degrade himself to such sadomasochistic extremes for a paycheck." (01/4/2008)

 

Skinwalkers (2007)
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"When the bad werewolves discover where the good werewolves are hiding out, watch out! Director James Isaac wishes he was directing Underworld, another movie where rival monster gangs find their entire existence hinges on one person. Isaac even makes his werewolf gangs engage in not-so elaborate gunfights, again comparable to Underworld’s, except low budget. The most laugh-inducing scene involves a gun-totting standoff between the evil werewolf leader Varek (Jason Behr) and an old lady named Nana. The old lady walks with Tim down the street of their abandoned town. Suddenly she spots Varek. Nana tells Tim to run along, meanwhile pulling a gigantic pistol from her purse. She and Varek throw down, and then an all-out werewolf bulletfest ensues." (8/14/2007)

 

More coming soon no doubt...